Goings on...

It’s been a while since I posted. I used to post at least monthly but the last few years have just flown by. To sum it up I moved out of my best friend’s house, lived in my own apartment for a year, met some really great friends, moved in with two of them, graduated from college, got engaged, and am about to move in with my fiancé in his house far out in the country. Other than that I’m the same ol’ me. Changed but the same.
I still have my two parti-colored cocker spaniels, Chloe and Jericho. And my kitty, Dudley.
Robert and I are planning our wedding for June 27, 2009 in Destin, Florida. We want to get married on the beach at sunset. I’m so excited about it. Now all I need is lots of money! Ha!
I’ve been packing all of my stuff getting ready to move by the end of the month. Plus, I’m looking for a high paying job with good benefits. If you know of any, please let me know.
I wish I could get motivated!

A lady called my work today and asked what time we closed.
I answered, "At six"
"O'clock?" she asked.

Really?

Is it really going to be okay?

“Why does everything have to be so hard?” I asked the one I love.
“It’s doesn’t have to be. You make it this hard.” He replied.

Is life really hard? Pressure is everywhere. Pressure to make money. Pressure to move out. Pressure to find somewhere new to live. Pressure to have and maintain a wonderful relationship with my fiancé. Pressure at school. Pressure to graduate and get a real job. Pressure to be a good step mom to these kids. Pressure to pay my rent. Pressure to pay bills I have no money to pay. Pressure to make my parents proud. Pressure to keep a smile on my face and pretend like everything’s okay. Pressure, pressure, pressure…

The next chapter begins

“I totally would never think you had been married before!” exclaimed Adrianne.

Hmmm, well, that’s lovely to hear. It really makes me think back to when I first separated from my ex-husband. First it was so long ago and I was so young. Second, I remember thinking I didn’t want anything to do with guys ever again. I felt like a failure. I wondered what I did wrong and what I could have done differently. But, no matter what I was not going to ever be that unhappy again. And above all I never wanted to get married.
So, I’m super happy that over the past four years my heart has healed enough to move on and be open to love again. And love is definitely in the air.
My good friends, Haley and Mark, have been engaged for a year now and are planning their wedding for May of this next year. She chose me to be her maid of honor and I’m thrilled to death! Some other friends, Coy and Brittany, just got engaged this past weekend. Two of my boyfriend’s friends just had babies. And one of my favorite people, Paige, has a truly fairy tale story going with a guy she met while living in England and it looks like he will be moving here and they are looking at rings as well. It’s everywhere I turn.
As for Robert and I, the pages are still turning in our book of love. I do love him. I would do anything for him. And I know I haven’t been the best girlfriend or friend to him in the past but I’m trying. He’s the only person in the world who can drive me insane with one of his ideas, i.e. “I’m getting a goat” “What!” I know I love him. It’s the little moments we share, moments I will never forget, that remind me every day that I love this man.

It’s lying in his nook and feeling completely safe and warm and loved.
It’s in the way he makes me feel with one touch.
Its dinner and then a surprise visit to the park to walk under the stars.
It’s seeing him carry his sleeping children to bed.
It’s waking up aroused in the middle of night to him stroking my body and the love we make still groggy from sleep.
It’s at his house talking about how having children will change our lives. He telling me that he can’t explain parenthood and the effects it will have on me but how it will change me and how I view everything in my life. I question him and say, “Just I will change?” and him saying no not you, when I say you I mean us. My heart melting. Him saying how a child with me will be wonderful and oh the things he will do differently than he did with Haden and Kailey. How he will be there for his child and help with everything. How he will be there for me.
It’s sitting in a booth at Rip Rocks with friends. Sharing beers, stories, laughter, his arm around me. I look at him; he’s laughing at something Paige said, he sees me looking at him, and reaches over and kisses my forehead.
It’s him loving my babies.
It’s him supporting me in everything I want to do.
It’s playing games at home with friends, drinking, laughing.
It’s he and I and a night of playing video games and being goofy together.
It’s the tender New Year’s midnight kiss, full of promise and hope.
It’s making love in the clear ocean while the sun shone down on us.
It’s hour after hour together on our road trip to Florida. Laughing, talking, singing.
It's him planning a surprise for me and me loving it!
It’s partying together on Bourbon Street, drunk and laughing.
It’s the night at my apartment where he pushed everything on my kitchen counter aside with one sweep of his arm, lifted me onto it, and had his way with me.
It’s him. It’s him. It’s him.

Closing time

So the semester draws to an end. Who knew I would still be in college at my age? I certainly did not. I wonder what it will be like not measuring my life in semesters and not having holiday breaks, summers, and spring breaks? I’m feeling like it’s finally time to step forward out of the shadow of early adulthood and onto the cold hard pavement of Grown-Up Avenue. Here goes nothing!




My to-do list to be a respectable grown-up, not necessarily in this order:

Get a real job with benefits that I may or may not enjoy
Finish graduate school
Get a new suitable adult car or SUV
Get a respectable home with my boyfriend
Join a gym, make gym friends who are also grown-up acting

"The only way out, is going in."

Yeah, so everytime I pull onto my street I still look for his truck.

What dreams may come.

I had a dream last night, or rather this morning. It was one of those mornings where you don’t have anything to do so you force yourself to go back to sleep...over and over again. Now I wish I would have just woken up. Before I tell you about the dream I need to tell you Robert and I had a spat last night, I have never cheated, Karen is Robert’s ex who cheated on him and they have two children, and I never thought of Sid like that.

The dream or nightmare or whatever began with me in our bedroom in our apartment (Robert and I evidently lived together) which was amazingly huge and fantastic. It was a large room with a king size bed with white sheets and white comforter and the room had large floor to ceiling windows that looked out over the city. Not sure what city, but some city. And it was night time and Robert was at work. There was a knock at the door and it was Sid, this guy I used to work with. Not sure how it happened but we began kissing and we moved from kissing in the doorway to kissing by the bar in the living room. I began to feel sort of apprehensive about getting caught and asked him to call Robert to make sure he was going to be gone for awhile. Long enough for us to have sex I guess. I need to say this is so not like me. I’ve never cheated on anyone and I never would, especially with Sid. This guy isn’t the cutest guy in the world. Back to the dream. When I asked him to call him he just kissed me harder and picked me up and carried me into the bedroom. Side note: this is an impossible feat just because of the way I am about being picked up and our size ratios. But anywho, it worked in the dream and it was pretty hot. We got to the bedroom and were making out, grinding through the clothes, blah blah and I could see the city lights behind him through the window and I remember thinking how beautiful the city was and how Robert must have been out there somewhere just doing his thing at work. Not worrying that his girlfriend was about to be screwed by another man. And it made me nervous. So we had sex and then I got really nervous about Robert coming home so I hurriedly got dressed. I looked up and Robert was standing in the doorway watching me and then he looked at Sid who was still nude but for the bed sheet he wrapped around himself. I’ll never forget that look on his face. Bewilderment, confusion, hurt. Then he turned around and left. I ran after him down the hall but the elevator doors shut just as I reached them. I called his cell phone and it went to voice mail. I didn’t know what to say so I just said I love you. I felt horrible.
I woke up with tears in my eyes. And I did the thing I always do when I want to continue a dream. I don’t let myself awake fully or my brain to start processing the dream, I just try to go back to sleep. I couldn’t let it end that way. I had to let Robert know how sorry I was. It was just a dream but it seemed so real. I couldn’t hurt him like that. I couldn’t live with that look I had seen on his face.
So I did go back to sleep and I was back at the apartment and Robert still hadn’t come home or returned my calls. I went downstairs and evidently Haley’s cousin John and Mark’s brother Eric lived with us. They were just hanging out with my Aunt Marie who was smoking crack. Please note that my Aunt Marie doesn’t smoke crack and I’m not even entirely sure if crack is in fact smoked. Anyway I said, “Aunt Marie, please don’t smoke crack in front of the kids” That was weird. Anyway, I went and changed our sheets and got into bed and just cried myself to sleep. I awoke to his arms around me and his voice at my ear. He told me that would be the last night he stayed in our apartment. He told me I was just like Karen only he was happy he had never had children with me because he would never have to see me again.
And then I woke up and didn’t try to go back to sleep.

YAY!

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